Oh my goodness you guys!!!!!! I just recently took a look on the blog's stats (which I haven't done since March 2010) and I didn't know so many people were reading my blog!!!!!
I feel like Sally Field when she won her Oscar! "You like me, you like me! You REALLY like me!"
When I first started this blog I thought I would have followers up to Wazoo within my first couple of weeks. When that didn't happen (because my expectations were to high) I got discouraged. Thankful I came around and realized this blog was mostly for moi. I needed to see my thoughts written down. I needed to have a place were even if they weren't being read, I could pretend my thoughts were being heard.
It's so crazy to see now that people (YOU GUYS) are visiting my site and reading all about me. Lol. Who knew! November alone had 205 hits (which may be minimal for some but) that's 205 times someone clicked to check up on me. "Addy's Resume" was actually the most popular of the posts in November. I'm even getting more followers on Twitter daily.
Anyway I just wanted to thank you for visiting...it means a lot!!! Oh and I promise to start posting on a regular basis from here on out.
You guys already know my love affair with romance comedies from the 30's and 40's. Love back then seemed so easy. Yes it was full of women marrying for money but I guess what I really love is that the men back then were so genuine. They saw a girl, thought she was pretty, asked her to dance or to dinner and before could kiss her, he wanted to provide and marry her. Lol. Can you se in the romantic in me? Trust me...I laugh at myself all the time.
Here are some songs from my favorite movies....
Starts 1:52
You see a pair of laughing eyes
And suddenly your sighing sighs
Youre thinking nothings wrong
You string along, boy, then snap!
Those eyes, those sighs, they're part of the tender trap
Youre hand in hand beneath the trees
And soon there's music in the breeze
Youre acting kind of smart, until your heart just goes wap!
Those trees, that breeze, they're part of the tender trap
Some starry night, when her kisses make you tingle
Shell hold you tight, and you'll hate yourself for being single
And all at once it seems so nice
The folks are throwing shoes and rice
You hurry to a spot, that's just a dot on the map
Youre hooked, you're cooked, you're caught in the tender trap
Some starry night, when her kisses make you tingle
Shell hold you tight, and you'll hate yourself for being single
And all at once it seems so nice
The folks are throwing shoes and rice
You hurry to a spot that's just a dot on the map
And then you wonder how it all came about
Its too late now there's no gettin out
You fell in love, and love is the tender trap
I've told you before I have a tattoo of blackbird on my ribcage for this song and as a tribute to Chicago. Reading the lyrics it really makes sense as to why I got it.
--
Gonna pack up all my cares and woe, here I go, singing low
Bye bye blackbird
Where somebody waits for me, sugar is sweet and so is he
Bye bye blackbird
No one here can love and understand me
Oh, what hard-luck stories they all hand me
So make my bed, light the light, I'll arrive late tonight
Blackbird, bye bye
I'm gonna pack up all my cares and woe, here I go, singing low
Bye bye blackbird
Where somebody waits for me, sugar's sweet and so is he
Bye bye blackbird
No one here can love and understand me
Oh, what hard-luck stories they all hand me
So make my bed, light the light, I'll arrive late tonight
Blackbird, bye bye
It must be weird getting a message from me. I'm 26 now. Lol...I know it's crazy, I'm still getting used to it. I wanted to write you this letter because I love you. I really do. I've seen your future and there's some things I wanted you to know.
-Make amends with your dad, Craig. Your fall out hasn't happened yet but it will. You are already having resentment feelings toward him. Talk to him and be understanding. Drugs have turned him into a different person. He knows it and even he is having a hard time with who he's become. When you're my age, all the anger emotions you have toward him will be distant memories and it will be too late to fix. You'll regret holding on to the anger because when you look back on your childhood the bad times won't even exist.
-Jaycee goes through a really hard time his senior year and into adulthood. Be there for him. You are the one he will call for. The one he needs and while it will be very hard for you know it's thousands times harder for him. Watch your words, in an anger filled moment one comment will change your relationship with him forever.
-The greatest gift you will receive is a sweet puppy. TRAIN HIM PROPERLY. If not you won't open up your future homes to enjoy with other people. You may become recluse-ish.
-Cry more babe. You can still be strong for your mom and the family and cry. I know you think it's a weakness but if you learn to do it now you will be able to control your tears in the future.
-Follow your heart when it comes to men and you'll do just fine. I know you are afraid to let someone in because of your real dad and you don't want to get hurt, but it gonna happen anyways. You can't controll it. Follow your gut too cause it's actually God speaking to you. Walk away when it says walk away. It's okay to not believe in unconditional love right now but keep believing, it may happen. You'll kiss a few toads, even fall in love with a few but the lessons you learn help you become the amazing woman you turn out to be.
-Be closer to God. Reading the bible and going to church may be a little nerdy for a teen but when you are laying in bed at night trying not to cry pretend your pillow is His chest and lean on Him. The man that you've been dreaming of...Prince Charming...He's been with you all along. Have conversations with Him. Call Him before you call your friends.
-People will make you second guess your dreams/career but like you always are, be yourself. The lessons you learn from dreaming and failing will help you discover you're true calling in life. Not many people can say they know their reason for living but you will.
-Don't analyze your premonitions so much. You'll spend a lot of time worrying and missing out on life because you are afraid of what you've already "seen".
-Make a point to get close to your sisters as much as you can. You only have 2 now but you'll get 2 more later and those relationships will mean more to you then you know now.
-Help Chase think on his own. Show him how to problem solve. Yes he's your little brother but LET him put the last block on his lego tower. Help him do things on his own. Your mom is going to have a hard time with him later. Helping him be a strong kid now will help make him a strong man later. Get to know who he is so when he gets older so he'll trust you with his thoughts. Oh and extra lessons on how to look both ways before crossing a street will help. Trust me!
-Learn to save your money. You will grow into a big spender. The more money you have in the bank, the more frugal you become. I know it's weird but trust me, that's how you are. Protect your credit. You won't be able to pay all your bills on time but make it a priority to try.
-You and your mom's relationship will stand the test of time but don't change your course because she says so. Take care of her like you always have. She'll need it. You are going to go through a lot too and you will need her. Her biggest insecurity is feeling like everyone wants something from her without having someone of her own to make her feel special. Words are great but actions speak louder. Do nice things for her.
-I know when you look in the mirror there are things you want to change about your body. You don't know it now but honey! That body is the shit!!! Boys like it now and men will want it later. Take your shirt off when you go to the pool. You are so very pretty. Freshmen 15 is real but you won't really gain weight until 24/25 (I'll have to write a letter to her telling her to get off the couch next.) Natural beauty is great but doesn't last always, continue to take care of your self and your confidence.
-You have always been a leader but you unknowingly make the same decisions as your friends. You don't know it now but they aren't as they appear. You will try to live your life based on theirs and it just won't work. It'll just hold you back. Trust yourself and make those random, Libra decisions you are confortable with. God is going to bless you with Great friends later in life anyway.
-Continue to hold on to your morals, your parents taught you well and while I would say it might be easier for you to wait to have sex til you are out of high school, waiting until you are 18 is still a great goal (one you really will reach).
Honestly though, you are going to go through a lot of changes, a lot of hard times, and a lot of lessons learned but you are a smart, strong black woman and you will always come out on top. Hold tight to your family, your morals and your faith. Other then that enjoy life Love. I'm very very proud of the journey you are on and the storms you will endure.
Love always and forever,
Your 26 year old self
OH...p.s. You'll end up really liking tattoos, but when you go to get your first one and your third one, please stay away from Chinese symbols and moons and stars. Actually you know what? Don't worry about it, you're smart, you'll be ight'.
I mean....does it get any better then old school LL?
It's the first time together and I'm feeling kinda horny Conventional methods of making love kinda bore me
I wanna knock your block off
Get my rocks off
Blow your socks off Make sure your G spot's soft
I'm 'ma call you big daddy And scream your name
Matter of fact I can't wait for your candy rain
So what 'chu saying
I get my swerve on
Bring it live
Make it last forever Damn, the kitty cat's tired
Mmmmm, daddy slow down your flow Put it on me like a G, baby Nice and slow
I need a rough neck nigga, mandingo and a sec Who ain't afraid to pull my hands Spank me from the back
No doubt I'm the player that your talking about
Um hum, but do you really think that you could work it out
I guarantee you shorty It's real Baby stick it out
Here comes the man of steel
Doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well,
Doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well,
Doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well
I represent Queens she was raised out in Brooklyn
Doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well,
Doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well,
Doin' it and doin' it and doin' it well
I represent Queens she was raised out in Brooklyn
I'm in the mix now Searching for the right spot to hit Now get down
Damn I love a dig now
You use a rubber?
Damn right
You are my lover?
All night
The putty good to you Hurt the mother
Mad tight The only thing left to do it climax Lets make it last
Word, we ain't goin' on like that All this time you been telling me that you was a Don I tried to warn you girl You wouldn't listen Now lets get it on Mmmmmm make me wild Don't do that, chill Wait a minute baby Let me please you back You talk a good one shorty Love, you're making me sweat How a live nigga like it girl? Nice and wet We get it on till the break of dawn Damn your large How a big girl like it daddy? Nice and hard
Safe sexing it
Flexing it Getting mad affectionate
Chewing it
Doin' it
All while we're doing it
Repeat Chorus1
Baby I wanna hit it in the worst way
To make ya hot
Scheming on the ass since the first day
Don't stop Damn I love it when you talk like that Make it bounce sugar
Long as you can bounce me back
Mo flesh than the Greek fest
Roll up the sense
Pass the Hennessey
Put my body to the test
Way, way back
Many niggas ago I was a young girl listening to how you flow Now's my chance to hit you Oh daddy I'm grown From the back From the side
Right
I'm in the zone
One of a kind
When it's time to do mine
Camcorder and the whole shit
Press rewind
Let it flow on screen
While we puff some "L"
Laying back in the cut while we're under the spell
Word life
I like the way the "f" went down
Go to sleep
Tomorrow I'll take you back down town
We'll be
I've been watchin' you from afar,
for as long as I can remmeber
You are all a real man can need
and ever ask for
this is love
this is more than a crush
It was all ....(up at Rutgers)
I saw with your man
smiling, huh, a coach bag in your hand
I was laying in the coup with my hat turned back
we caught eyes for a moment, and that was that
so skated off, as you strolled off
looking at them legs, god damn they looked so soft (so fine)
I gotta take ya from your man that's my mision
If his love is real he got ta handle competition
you only knew about 5 months (that's right)
besides he drinks too much and smokes too many blunts
and I've been working out everyday thinking bout you
looking at my own eyes in the rear view
cathchin flash backs of our eye contact
wish i could lay ya on your stomach and caress your back
i would hold ya in my arms and ease your fears
I can't believe it, I hadn't had a crush in years
[Chorus]
[2x] hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
Lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
hey lover, hey lover, this is more than a crush
I see you at the bus stop waitin everyday
your man must think its safe for you to travel that way
but i don't want ta violate your relationship
so i lay back in the cut with a crush that'a trip still he can't stop me from having day dreams tounging you down with huh vanilla ice cream kissing on your thighs in the moonlight searching your body with my tounge girl all night
I wonder one day could it be, simple dreams turnin into reality
Our love would come down so naturally
we would walk down the isle of destiny
what your man got his hustle on gotcha type scared
break ya off a little chump change to do your hair
that seems to be enough to satisfy your needs
but there's a deeper level if you just follow my lead
Hey lover
[CHORUS]
Last week I saw ya at the mall
standing at the pay phone bout to make a call I had a vision it was me on the other end telling you come by and then you walked in I touched you gently with my hands
we talked about traveling the distant lands
escaping all the madness out here in the world
becomin my wife no longer my girl then, you let your dress fall down to the floor i kissed you softly and you yearned for more
we experienced pleasure unparallel
into an ocean of love we both fell
swimming in the timeless, currents of pure bliss
fantasies interchanging with each kiss
undying passion unities our souls
togehter we swim until the point of no control
but its a fantasy it(that,you) won't come true
we never even spoke and your man (still) love you
so I'm gonna keep all these feelins inside
keep my dreams alive until the right time
I'm back on track Ladies and Gents and it feels.....woooooonderfullllllll! After writing the last pot on Monday, God woke me up at 4 a.m. like "HERE I AMMMMM! YOU WANTED ME, NOW GET UP AND LISTEN" (to which I joyfully obliged.)
After 10 mins, I had wrote a 2 page To Do list and it felt great. My path to success was paved out before me and I'm so thankful (thank you Lord). I was reminded that these teens are worth more then me sleeping til 3 everyday and that somewhere a teen needed me. I have 2 fundraisers coming up for BP and I had a lot of loose ends and decisions that needed to be made (lots) and like THAT (snap), everything was solved and the decisions were made for me. I just needed to put things in motion. There were bills that I was dragging my feet on paying just because the money looked better sitting in my bank account but I finally paid them and to my surprise they totaled less then I thought (SCORE!).
I found the energy to work out (whereas the last 2 days were spent in bed) and actually did a little extra (if I ACTUALLY get back to my high school weight, ain't no body gonna be able to tell me SHIT!).
Anyway, the Lord's voice is in my ear and my life is happier because of it. I love my God and can't to see what the next few weeks hold for me....
IF YOU HAVE A DREAM OR A GOAL, DON'T BE LAZY, FIND GOD'S VOICE AND GET YOURS...
My relationship with God has been very strong since moving to Chicago. I've never doubted when He speaks to my soul (which I did a lot of when The Joke-ster and I were together) and confirms and guides the decisions I've made. Ever since I got back from Vegas though (I went for my birthday) I've been in a weird mood. A lost mood maybe. I haven't been able to hear God's voice. I know He loves me and He would never leave me but it's like a flying trapeze artist with an invisible net. You know it's there but it's more reassuring when you can actually see it.
My focus hasn't been on the path He's put forth for me lately. The weak moments when I rely on my strength have been filled with weak actions. Like Sunday. I was feeling weird about Addy and decided to text Atom. Why?! I don't know. I fell into an old pattern and we had such an awkward conversation . Atom was all about business (I thought he would be more inquisitive about the reason why I contacted him, but he wasn't) and I regretted sending the text as soon as it went through. I'm stronger then that.
I haven't been working on BP (my youth program) at all because there's been some pretty hard decisions that need to be made that I've been procrastinating on.
My job is okay but my finances are suffering. I've been spending most of my money on useless things instead of paying bills and contributing the BP funds.
Finally my friend Elle (she's in law school and law school reminds me of Legally Blonde so...) took a look at the BP website and chewed my ass out for it being lazy and not as professional as it should be. She said it looked half assed. It was hard to hear but I prefer people to call me out on things cause it strengthens my integrity.
Anyway, my thoughts have been consumed by boys (Dreads is on my to do list again), working out, my DVR and sleeping. All superficial things that will not progress my future. I've prayed for God but still can't really feel Him. Erg....where is He? I guess I have to call myself out on my own and focus on the things that makes God happy. I love Him and want Him present in my life. Always. He's my life support and my invisible net.
p.s. I took a read through my whole blog and just fell even more in love with it. I've always wanted to have a diary, a way to document the places I've been emotionally and this blog does just that. I love it and like my dog, I don't know what I'd do without it. I don't do it for people to know me, I do it so I can know me.
So I mentioned before that I went out on a date with a man named Addy (that's not his real name, it's his nickname.) The date took place last Saturday and for the last week I've had different thoughts regarding him.
Let's first take a look at his resume (the facts about a person before you consider their personality) so you can better get an idea of who he is...
-He's a self made entrepreneur, he buys real estate on the south side of Chicago, renovates them and rents them as section 8 housing. He likes that section 8 vouchers are reliable income. He's also in the beginning stages of opening up a lounge.
-He owns a huge brownstone on a beautiful street (MLK Drive) in Bronzeville. I guess the house has been in the family for generations.
-He's 37. He knows who he is, what he wants and isn't interested in playing games.
-He's a Cancer, so he is very sincere, generous and loyal.
-He adores my tattoos and body type, although he asked me if I had butt implants (I told him the only thing fake on my body is my natural glow, thanks bronzer!)
-He played basketball in college (he graduated with a degree in marketing, but you know that really doesn't concern me) as well as overseas so he's very fit and healthy.
-He's tattoos cover his arms, back, and chest (did I mention the old English C on his neck...yum) and they are well designed and executed. He has the Chicago skyline on his forearm.
-He's well spoken but still street smart, he grew up on the south side and from what I know, he is very much respected.
So.......whats the problem with him?
-He started calling me Babe within the first 15 mins of us meeting and rubbed my ass within the first hour (no bueno)
-He has a little bit of a lisp (it could get annoying after the first 6 months...say assessments with a lisp...annoying right?!)
-He is a little older so there's a generation gap (he doesn't like texting...it shouldn't be an issue but i don't have time to talk on the phone ALL the time!)
-He's a little overwhelming because he speaks his thoughts (like my little brother and mom) so I find my self guiding his thoughts rather then my own. I think he may have ADD hence the nickname Addy.
-He's a functional pothead (he rolled a fatty within the first couple of hours of our date)
The BIGGEST problem though? There's no spark. I mean there's nothing in me that wants to tongue him down and fuck him. Besides the fact that his physical appearance is a God send, it takes more for me to be interested. The only time he's made me laugh was when we first met and he asked if I was a rapper. The conversations have been mediocre and our physical interactions haven't been hot and lingering. They happen when his ADD thoughts stumble on the subject and remind him to cop a feel before moving on to the next thought. Not spontaneous, just random and awkward.
He's resume, according to what I'd like my future love interest to have all match up, but can you seriously turn it into chemistry? Sigh. I don't think I want to wait around to find out. He may just be the great guy friend I hang around and am not attracted too. Although I think he's looking for love...does that make him a time filler then?
Ugh I don't know...too much to process. I'll keep you posted.
