"I believe in Pink. I believe laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing; kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day, and I believe in miracles."-Audrey Hepburn

Time heals all........

So I just read the last post and wow. That was tough. Months have passed since I wrote that and it's hard to put in words where I'm at today. Time is a funny thing. I'm not sure if it's healed allllllll wounds, but I'm definitely out of that reckless moment in time. Don't get me wrong, I'm still dealing with stuff, I just walked out on the only company I've have worked for for the last 6 years. One of my bank accounts is negative $200, the other is negative $100 and my checking acct has $.39 in it. As you can see that shopping/spending problem is alive and kicking. I had one of the hardest conversations I've ever had with a man from my past and I just celebrated my 29 th birthday and attended my 10 year reunion.

On a happier note my front tooth is fixed and you can't even tell it was chipped. It is a daily reminder of what rock bottom feels like, a feeling i have yet and never want to experience again. You know what's funny? On the outside people seem to have everything but really? All they have are lessons learned. Everything they have to show, watches, cars, straight teeth.......the road to get those things are lessons in life.

I guess what I'm failing to try and say is everything that I've been thru has led me to the person I am today and that's okay. If you ask my little sisters, I think they would say I'm pretty cool. I'm funny and kind and buy them things. I'm always around to play with, or watch tv with, and I always let them play my iPad. I'm considerate when it comes to their feelings and their opinions mean more to me then anyone's. even my own.

I know I'm a good person even if I make really bad decisions. I'm 29, lol, that's a lot of life I've already lived. I've got great stories to tell and sound advice to give. I wonder, if given the chance, would I trade all I've been thru for simpler life? I'm not sure.

Within 24 Hours

Ask yourself.......

Who you are, the good and the bad

and

Who do you want to improve to be.

When I started this blog I was in a new city, my heart was broken and I was in the process of piecing myself back together. 3 years later I find myself needing to do the exact same thing.

I've been spiraling out of control since I moved back to Colorado. Blame it on more money, the success of my leasing job or the support of family but I've been letting myself do whatever the fuck Ive wanted to do. I've slept with a family members husband and the other night I was found by the police drunk in my back yard, no clothes, with my front tooth chipped and scrapes all over my body. WTF?

This is not me. This woman, this person. I hate this person. I don't know this person.

She has no morals. No boundaries. She goes to church but has no sense of obedience or faith. She spends money on whatever she wants then transfers money from her mom's savings account to her own. She's greedy and entitled and reckless. She takes what she wants at whatever moment and rarely thinks about the consequences.

I'm damaging my life. I'm damaging myself. I don't have a husband. I don't have kids. I have all this free time to cut my legs from beneath me.

I've always been self aware. Weighing the pros and cons of my decisions. But how do I change? How do I become the person I used to be? Who do I even want to be? Maybe that's the better question.

This is a cry for help. The last straw. What do you do when the person fucking your life up is the one you see in the mirror?

Over the next few months I'm going to try to do it here. This is a safe domain. I've always been able to express my inner thoughts and here is where I plan to heal myself again. I'm scared to face the truth. Denial is a mighty big problem. I don't have an issue with liquor. I don't have an issue with shopping. I don't have an issue with sex. I don't have an issue with gluttony. I don't have an issue with selfishness.

I'm the perfectly rehearsed version of the person I want people to see. Not. The seams are loosened, the monster inside is seeping out and my flaws are being put on display for the world to see.

You know what though?

The devil can't have me.........He. Can not. Have me.