Karma...

Just cried hysterically in the shower. My face has break outs all over it. I'm afraid God has made me just as ugly on the outside as I am on the inside.

He's broken me.

Sweet Lord...It's Quincy

When I talked about the men I've slept with, the first person on that list was Quincy, at least that's what I think I called him. Whatev, it was a reference to Love and Basketball tho. Maybe Omar. Ugh whatever, from now on he will be known as Quincy. (I just looked down at my keyboard btw and there's a dried piece of meat left over from the sloppy joes I made last night. lol. single behavior for real for real!)

As I mentioned in my last post he contacted me via Facebook and during our conversation, requested we be friends. I dragged my feet toward the accept button.

(Large exhale) Quincy...Quincy....Quncy. That name carries a lot of weight.  I, as well as my best friends and mom, haven't heard or even talked about that name in the last few years. I mean there's the simple "Have you talked to him?" "Nope." "Cool." convos that happen every now and then but no serious thoughts or concerns since about 2005.

Alright the run down really quick....

-We met in kindergarten but he transferred to another school after
-He came back to our elementary school during 5th grade and we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend (like officially) He was alpha dog and I was queen bee of the playground with our other little couple It was always Forewarning and Quincy.
-He first kissed me behind the mobiles at school and I remember thinking his lips ashy (lol)
-He claims he saw the first boobs he saw were mine on a school field trip to the pool (I still don't believe him)
-Him and his friends did a show during our 5th grade social and rapped to the girls they loved Bone Thugs "Crossroads" which they ended with giving us a balloon and a can of soda (such sacrifices)
-years pass but we remained in contact with each other, him turning into the popular basketball star, me remaining the good girl
-He took me to my Freshman year homecoming. Forewarning and Quincy.
-I would go to his basketball games now and again
-Senior year him and his starting 5 transferred to my high school  and it was a pretty big deal. Media attention, girls, gossip, everything, people knew we had history. Forewarning and Quincy.
-He took my virginity
-The 2nd time we had sex we ditched school and my step dad ended up catching us (lol).
-He was still the star so the girls flocked to him and he accepted them with open arms, I was considered the untouchable good girl so when news broke out he took my v-card it was a big deal, gossip, friendships lost....blah blah blah
-I loved him. I was in love with him since elementary school but the last semester of our senior year we didn't talk.
-cut to college, my new boyfriend (Itta Bit) visiting for Thanksgiving starts to hear a lot of questions about Quincy. Forewarning and Quincy
-Jealousy starts to form in Itta Bit, I loved him but I was still in love with Quincy
-A year into my new relationship, Quincy starts to call and come around, Itta Bit doesn't know
-To see if there's still something there I go visit Quincy at his uni, I don't sleep with him but day 2 into the trip Itta Bit finds out where I am. Quincy and I don't speak the rest of the trip.
-6 months later Quincy calls the day after Valentine's day but Itta Bit is in town and answers the phone (Itta Bit actually goes to jail that night but that's a different post topic).
-Another 6 months later, with my long distance relationship is dying off with Itta Bit and I sleep with Quincy. Now that I know what good sex is (I think around this time too, I start sleeping with Atom, so I REALLY know what good sex is), I realize the sex with Quincy is awful. I'm too nervous, he just lays there. Blah. Bad. I'm sure he thinks the same thing because we haven't spoke since.....

Anyway here's how our conversation went:

Quincy: January 22 at 5:54pm
I was talkin to Jay (my brother btw, they used to be super close) yesterday..i kno im late but im sorry about ur dad..i jus heard about it

Forewarning: January 22 at 10:10pm
Hey you. Yeah it's been something to deal with, a period of adjustment, especially for the boys. Thanks for the words though, I appreciate it and hope everything is going well with you as well as your mom.

Quincy: January 23 at 3:24pm
Yea I hear u..everything is good thank u..my mothers in Tampa, Florida..and im in Long beach..i hope everything is goin well besides the circumstances...hows chicago?

Forewarning: January 23 at 3:54pm
I love Chicago, my soul is here. Been here for a year and a half but I'm moving back home in the next week or two, depending on if the Bears make it to the Super Bowl. I want my own boutique and my rent here equals 2 months of retail space rent out there so it's the smartest decision. Plus I miss my fam. What are you doing out in long beach?
--
Insert a conversation with my mom via Google Chat:

Me: Ma, I'm hungover, Quincy sent me sent me a message on FB btw.


Her: You are a lush...lol! What did he say? I think he is testing the waters.

Me: Who knows. The sex was still bad tho so....

Her: Does he have a girlfriend?

Me: Yep.

Her: How do you know?

Me: Facebook photos. Have you seen the way were were with Robert Redford and Barbara Streisand?

Her: It's been a while way?

Me: Art imitating life. Watch it. Gotta go. Love.

Her: Okay I will. Love.

--
Quincy: January 24 at 12:12am
ok I see u..ur own boutique huh..thats def whats up..i been out here for the past 3 years..i was hoopin..jus workin now..thinkin bout doin grad school...im actually goin to chicago for memorial day..it would've been nice to catch up wit u..i dont kno how u feel about that tho

Forewarning: January 24 at 5:39pm
Lol. You're a goof. Whatever happened happened years ago. What 5 or 6? I'm a different person and I'm assuming you are too. Of course I'd like to catch up. My job allows me to work from home but I'll have to commute to Chicago monthly. Keep me updated on the time frame and we'll coordinate the dates.

Quincy: January 26 at 12:40am
Ur right..and I am different from that time..i didnt kno where u stood..it was crazy back then..def will keep u updated on the dates tho
 --

I made a reference to "The Way We Were" because, in a more theatrical way, it's kind of how life has played out between Quincy and me. The end is so amazing because the line, "You're girl is lovely Hubble" and the sincere gesture of her moving his hair out his face is exactly how I feel about this situation now.

I loved Quincy, he was my first love and I'm happy were he is in life. I find comfort in knowing that my other half is out there too so no I'm not jealous. Yes seeing their pictures together was a little hard to look at but if he has a girl who has him at his best and he's happy, that's all I could ever want for him, really.

Here's another reference to the movie via Sex and the City. Another one of my favorite cinema scenes.

Enjoy....

Ugh....Fucking Facebook.....

Alright so I have a couple of rules when it comes to Facebook as I've had a profile since it was cool to have a Myspace (raunchy losers) and the only way you could have a Facebook account was if you had a college email address. Been years right? Like 2005-ish.

Okay so my rules.

Rule #1 I'm not just anyone's friend: To be friends means that we've had to have met more then once and either shared a drink, a laugh or a memory. For the people that have 1,500 friends, their news feed must be ridiculous. Reading updates you don't care about, looking at pictures of people you don't even know. To me, that's too much. I'm not lazy (so to speak) but my life is efficient, so I can get from point a to point b in the quickest amount of time. I have patience when I need it and other times, I don't.

and Rule #2 No exes: Now cuddy buddies yes because going into our cuddy buddy, time-filler arrangement, you knew your role. It's up to you to handle seeing other men commenting on my wall (nothing vulgar but you know what I'm saying. The jealousy aspect of things) I'm talking about THEE EXES, the ones that I've loved-ish or whatever.

For me, and this includes people in my life general, we're either on or we're off. Either I'm fond of you or I'm not. I answer when you call or let it go to voicemail. It's black and white. It doesn't mean I don't still adore, care or cherish you, it just means, in order for me to live my life today, happy, I can't live in the past and that's what exes represent, my past.

Here's where things get a little tricky. After years of living by this decree, you eventually have to forget there was ever a past. Like after 5/6 years. If not, you just look like the person that still holds on, which is why I allowed Itta Bit and I to be friends on Facebook. Which is also why the title of this post is called Ugh...Fucking Facebook....

There is nothing more jaw dropping then going about your everyday life, hear your phone go off and think that someone you know posted a comment on your status, WHEN REALLY, you look down and see the name of an ex followed by a snippet of their message. It happened with The Joke-ster, even Atom and now Quincy, the very first love I had. I'm gonna go into him in the next post I just wanted to say that it's not a cool approach.

Not that it's their intention, to force you to talk to them, it's just when you contact someone on Facebook you KNOW they are going to see it. It's like calling out someone that wants to shot around when you want to play one on one. And as the person who receives these messages you HAVE to respond (I hate doing things I HAVE to do). If you don't, every time you change your profile picture, they are going to know you got their message and didn't respond. That you're the douche who is still not over whatever reason that caused you guys to be "exes" in the first place.

Anyway I'm just saying....fucking Facebook man.....thanks for putting me in this spot....you suck.

Playing on my iPod: Missing my dad....

I had to do the slideshow at my dad's funeral and these are the songs that were playing. I don't listen to them very often cause I cry everytime but I love hearing them. They remind me of him.


How do I say goodbye to what we had?
The good times that made us laugh
Outweigh the bad.


I thought we'd get to see forever
But forever's gone away
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow
I hope it's worth all the wait
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories
To be my sunshine after the rain
It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.


[Verse 1]
By the time you get this letter
I might be doin better
It's kinda hard trying to survive
In all this crazy weather

Everybody wants my number
Everybody's callin my name
But in the midst of all of this
I can still hear you say

Son, walk upright
And straighten yo tie
You don't want one of those good jobs to pass you by
Don't act no fool, I'm watching you
And now that you're gone
It still feels like you do, I Wish


[Chorus]
I wish u were here
To see the things I've done
I wish u were here
You'd be so proud of your son
I wish u were here
To celebrate with me
I wish u were here

[Verse 2]
Now all of these people ask me
"Is it lonely at the top?..."
Or do I find comfort
In all the things I got

Well these cars keep me movin
These planes keep me high
A million dollar home
But I'm barely gettin by
Cause...

I miss our talks,
One thing u used to say (used to say)
When things got hard (Hard on me)
Get down on your knees and pray

And then those walks (then those walks)
Its just the simple thangs
We still do all of this
But only in my dreams, I wish

[Chorus]
I wish u were here
To see the things I've done
I wish u were here
You'd be so proud of your son (you would be so proud of yo son)
I wish u were here (thats all I kno to say, thats all I kno to pray)
To celebrate with me
I wish u were here

But sometimes I wonder why
Why cant u still be here wit me?,
Wish God would've waited a couple more years for u to see
I'm tryna stay strong
Barely holdin on
I kno I'll see u again,
But for right now, rest in peace

And when I get to heaven
First thing they'll say to me
Tell me have u seen Estelle Marie Talley
Find out where u are,
Run into your arms
Wrap yo wings around me
And whisper in my ear, well done

[Chorus]
I wish u were here
To see the things I've done
I wish u were here
You'd be so proud of your son
I wish u were here
To celebrate with me
I wish u were here




If I had no more time
No more time left to be here
Would you cherish what we had?
Was it everything that you were looking for?
If I couldn't feel your touch
And no longer were you with me
I'd be wishing you were here
To be everything that I'd be looking for
I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time
you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day
is not really guaranteed

So every time you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
Every time you touch me
Touch me like this is the last time
Promise that you'll love me
Love me like you'll never see me again

Oh Oh Oh

That it's everything that we are looking for
When I wake up in the morning
You're beside me
I'm so thankful that I found
Everything that I been looking for

I don't wanna forget the present is a gift
And I don't wanna take for granted the time
you may have here with me
'Cause Lord only knows another day
is not really guaranteed

So everytime you hold me
Hold me like this is the last time
Every time you kiss me
Kiss me like you'll never see me again
(can you do that for me baby)
Every time you touch me
(see we don't really know)
Touch me like this is the last time
(see everyday we never know)
Promise that you'll love me
(I want you to promise me)
Love me like you'll never see me again
(like you'll never see me again)

Oh oh oh oh oh



I included this song because, like all people of his age, he was always singing Luther Vandross. Always. There wasn't a Saturday morning I remember where I didn't wake up to him singing. I smile now because it was so conforting.


-My dad had this white cadillac with Maroon leather and him and I would sing this song alllll the time. He would do the male part and I would sing the female part.-

Life was bitter to the core
There was nothing to live for until love came
And even second times around happiness could not be found until love came

I was left all alone - My heart was breaking
Thought was my own - Soul was aching
Tears covered me - Weeping through the whole night
And I need some relief - Joy comes in the morning
I've been searching for - Many years now
The key to life's door - I need to know how
Brought to my knees - Savior can you help me
And was led to believe - A failure I was to be

Chorus:
Well his love showed me, love said not so
Even with the odds against me
Love showed me, love said not so

Without a reason or cause peace and joy makes no pause
Until love came
Having no hope at all and not another one to call
Until love came

Chorus

I was left alone - My heart was breaking
Thought was my own - Soul was aching
Tears covered me - Weeping through the whole night
And I need some relief - Joy comes in the morning
I've been searching for - Many years now
The key to life's door - I need to know how
Brought to my knees - Savior can you help me
And was led to believe - A failure I was to be

Chorus

Keep on holding on
Love showed me, love said no
Love told me don't let go
Love showed me, love said not so

Love said not so

That's what he told me
He told me not so
Hey, I want to tell everybody
You are my love and my prize possession
Because of you I've got pride and joy
Can you help me brother

You are my love and my prize possession
(Love showed me)
Because of you I've got pride and joy
(Love said not so)
Oh can you say it again (Lord)

Tell the world it's love everlasting,hope
Everlasting, joy everlasting
I've got joy
You see I've got love everlasting,hope
Everlasting, joy everlasting
I've got joy
--

Good memories...r.i.p

Mon pere....

I want to sincerely apologize for the lack of posts in the last 2 weeks. There's been a lot of things going on on my end and I haven't been creative enough to write anything. Unfortunately this is another serious, analytical post. Sigh? I know...me too. This cloud over my head is nearly gone. I promise. Hopefully. Faithfully. Fingers crossed.

I've been putting off this topic since there really wasn't any kind of resolution to talk about, until last night.

I uh, I had a conversation with my step dad last night. The only thing though is, he's deceased and it was in my dreams. Now I know what you're thinking, a soft exhale of air as your roll your eyes and decided to go to another blog. That's cool. That's alright, but I'm not crazy and more important I'm not here for your approval. That "conversation", that peaceful place we were last night took us 8 years to do, but he died last year which prevented us from actually doing it in the flesh. A scar I've carried around for 352 days, he died Feb 3rd, 2010.

We hadn't talked in 2 years, especially when I moved to Chicago. To tell the story of us would be like reading the dictionary to you, long and tedious but each word, full of meaning and significance.

The dream though was nothing important. Lol. It's funny cause when I initially woke up, I was angry with myself. Annoyed rather. Lately I've been having these dreams where I'm doing some kind of task from start to finish. Washing, folding and hanging all of my laundry (that was last night's). Or walking around an airport trying to find my blue luggage only realizing that it was black 2 hours in and starting the process all over. Or doing the dishes. Ugh it just annoyed me cause I realized my head can't stop thinking! Even when I'm sleep. It's not peaceful and honestly it's pretty sad.

So those were my thoughts as I was waking but then it popped in my head. My dad was there. Like really there. Walking around, going to the bathroom. Watching an NBA game. Cooking Ramen Noodles. Seasoning the bowl with pepper and a large dose of hot sauce. Drinking something out of cup. Slurping a little like he always did (here's where I start to cry. No I'm fine, it's just. Those are the memories I miss. His numbed finger nails and how he always smelt like cigarette ashes and basketball leather. A scent I really do adore.) Doing the all things he would totally do when we were okay.

At first I thought this dream was in the past, when I was like 15 or so. Before our problems with each other started to snowball and were vocalized  more. But then I tried to remember the details. We casual talked about Santana and how he pees in the house. He told me I needed to take him out more but I explained that Santana pees to mark his territory and not to release cause he needs too. I embellished on a fact I created years back and told him "the vet" told me it was because he wasn't neutered and that he still has an instinct to do so (lie).

After about an hour of me doing the laundry, which really was me moving all of my clean clothes from a pile on my couch to a pile on my bed,  my brother came in. Now the next sibling after me is my 21 year old brother (remember I have 6 of these little mofos). When I came back from college, I was on the outs with my dad (step dad) but Jay really seemed to be a father figure for me. Even though he was 16, I honetsly think he liked the role. I was what, a 20/21 year old, reckless college kid, not talking to my dad but having the best sex of my lifeand the most fun ever.

Now, Jay and I never really talked about anything serious so I don't know why he had that role. Maybe it was because the whole family came together again (my mom, dad, me and our other little brother) to watch him play his high school basketball games twice a week and on those days he was poppa bear. We wanted him to be happy. We anxiously waited for him to warm up and eagerly waved from the stands. Ugh, lol, we couldn't wait to hear his name called as the starting point guard or when he would effortlessly dish the ball to his post player before the crowd went wild. Then, after the games, we all would socialize with the rest of the families, waiting for the players to come out the locker room. Lol, I couldn't wait for him to acknowledge me, after he got done talking to the press and patrons so I could tell him he did a great job and that I loved him. I couldn't see those days for what they were but they were pretty awesome. Hindsight is always 20/20 you know?

Me and my brother's relationship would soon take a turn that I still regret, over words I said in an angry moment because a month into his senior year basketball season, unknowing to us at the time, he would start to show signs of schizophrenia. The brother that I held on a pedestal, the one I had the utmost love for, would slowly drift away (that's another post tho...sigh again huh? yeah I know).

Anyway, he, Jay, showed up in the dream and we, (the three of us) talked about the numerous amount of books I had and how I should weed through them and give some of them away. Then I woke up I guess.

The point of this whole post is too say that I'm still healing. As a kid who's had a rather rough but awesome childhood, I'm still healing. The next chapter of my life, going into 2011, starts with me packing up my loft in Chicago and moving back home. I miss my family and it's time. Denver is not a tainted city for me anymore. It doesn't represent the hurt cause by an ex and the pain of ignoring a father. My time in Chicago is equivalent to time spent in the burn unit of a hospital. My wounds were wrapped with gauze and tended too.

Yes I over analyzed for most of it, but I'm ready to head back to CO a new person and be the chick I used to be. Fun loving, silly and free. I'll be moving in with my 89 year old aunt, living rent free as I create the life I've always dreamed of. Putting the time, energy and money into my thrift store and youth program. Living rent free in the home I foresee myself (future husband and kids) growing old in. I won't be moving back to the suburbs, thank God. The house is downtown, similar to Bucktown in Chicago. Littered with mom and pop stores, historic buildings, tattoo parlors and indie bars. This is the place I belong and I can't wait to get home and get started.

I leave, still healing, on the 31st.

[I know you were with me last night Dad and into the morning. I smelt smoke twice. I love you and I'm sorry that we were both stupid all those years. I carried a lot of pain dealing with my biological dad and misplaced it on you. I've said it once and I'll say it again, so much of you lives in me. I wouldn't have been the same person if I grew up with him raising me. With you I turned out funnier and athletic (not so much now but I'm working on it). With you I traveled the state and had MY DAD as a coach. You loved me when you didn't have too. I bare your last name not his and for a long time I hated it because I wasn't "officially" his. I took for granted I was yours and I'm so sorry. All of my childhood memories include you and all the bad memories disappeared when I found out you died. I wish you were here to give a speech at my wedding, to make a toast and to share a father daughter dance. I thought we had time. Time to mend a relationship that was broken. Last night we were mended, we were fine and now I know we really are. I'm afraid of death. I'm scared of leaving this earth without experiencing love from a husband and the pride of being a mother. I'm worried that I wasted all my twenties, jumping from one career to another and now that I know what I really want, I'm afraid I don't have time to make it all happen. But, if me leaving this Earth and faithfully speaking, making it to heaven, seeing your face, that smile and hearing your voice again, then it would all be worth it. I have two fathers and am so lucky since there's people out there with none. I know you loved me and that you are proud of me and honestly, through everything, I'm proud of you too. I love you so much and miss you to the point I can't even think of it. Save a pair of angel wings for me, pink ones if they have them and tell God I'm not ready yet but that I love him too. ~Your daughter]

My life should be pretty interesting....stay tuned.......

Le Mot Du Jour....

Gingerly

[jin-jer-lee]

–adverb

1. with great care or caution; warily.

–adjective

2. cautious, careful, or wary.

Example:

He had been gone for a while, so when he approached her from behind

he gingerly put his lips on her shoulder.

En Francias:

avec précaution

Playing on my iPod....Hov

I love Jay. I really do. The old Jay though. The Don. The Boss. I mean I liked his last album until he started "playing" into all that Illuminati bullshit. Lots of people have their opinions and that's cool, I'm not hear to discuss or judge. I just know I had a spiritual reaction to some of the images in his videos as of lately and it turned me off.

Anyway I adore this song and most on his American Gangster album. Lol...I have my whole wedding planned in my head (which I'm kind of ashamed to say out loud but at the end of the day I'm still a girl so...whatev) and its going to have the style of the party in the video mixed with the parties described in The Great Gatsby. The suits. Horns. Cigars. Champagne buckets. Jewelry. Loves it. I also want this playing when my new husband and I are introduced at the reception. Until my day comes....

Enjoy...