This very hour, one year ago...

I pulled away from my house, my home, my family and everything I knew to start a new. I found my soul again on the road to Chicago and I will always be grateful. I have a tattoo as a tribute to this city and I am very much in love with it.

Happy one year to me, the journey I pursued, and the city that welcomed me.

I'm very blessed and excited to see where I am in another 365 days....

What keeps me going....

Bridge:
With you I can climb the highest mountain
With you I can cross the deepest ocean
With you there's nothing impossible
There's nothing, no nothing,I can't do

Chorus

The way you care, the words you say
The way you share, I'm here today because of you
The way you touch, the things you give
The way you love, That's is why I am, why I live
You pick me up when I was down
Now I smile, used to frown all around
You just keep on lovin' me, lovin' me
Said you must be, really must, must be,
Said you must be from....
--

I cry EVERY TIME I hear this part of the song. The love that I have for God has tripled during this year. I sleep on His shoulder at night and I praise His name in the morning. I am truly grateful for everything He has given me and the only thing I want to do is give back to Him. I will be able to do that with Blueprints.

Have a great day all...xoxo,

Forewarning

Playing on my iPod.....

My thoughts exactly.....

Yey Yo.....

Now that all this analyzing is over I can't wait to get back to my old, cussing, tattooed, sex kitten, don't give two shits self!!!!!!!! Did I tell you I've lost weight? Feeling free AND getting the body back?! I'm bouts to be back BITCHES!!!!!!!

xoxo,
Forewarning

(no subject)

I love this song. No matter what kind of hurt you're overcoming....life is always just a lesson learned.

So......this is what closure really feels like.

This post is going to be rather short. Had a conversation with Atom today and I'm not going to lie....it was one of those moments you try your whole life to avoid. Nobody ever said "Man"ing up and starting fresh was easy but fuck....

I'm used to walking away because you don't have to have those conversations. I was going to keep it light and breezy "Don't worry about it....it's all silly....I'll be fine." Instead I typed my real thoughts in 4 short paragraphs and had to read his responses back.

I've said what he said to me to other men so I'm not butt hurt....you just....you think these thoughts...and when it's confirmed by someone at the rarest moment of honesty, it hurts.

I'll think about it for a few more days but I know I'll be fine....I've overcome worse sorrow then this. At the end of the day, it's just another lesson learned.

What a difference a year makes....

This time last year.....

-my boyfriend of 2 years was in town for his mma fight

-I wanted to move to Chicago but it really wasn't a good time

-we were working on our issues and fears

-we were writing the guest list and setting a date for our wedding

-he talked to my dad about our future plans

-My best friend and I hadn't talked in 8 months and I knew she was pregnant

-I was trying to get over the lose of my own pregnancy

-he would kiss my softly to tell me he loved me

-this time last year I had faith but couldn't hear God's voice

-my boyfriend lost his fight but we went out anyway

-there was a girl who was dancing a little too close to him at the club

-I checked his phone when he was sleep

-I found out he was talking to 3 other girlfriends, had naked pictures and had been hiding a 8 month old daughter

-I dropped him off over his friend's and never looked back

-I felt so betrayed and heartbroken

-I cried for days, never left my closet and didn't show up to work

-depression set in, and I started cutting my wrists

-I finally picked myself up, packed my car, my dog and mapquested directions to Chicago

-I told my mom could help me leave or watch me leave but I couldn't stay in Colorado any more

-I found my soul as I drove the yellow brick road to my OZ......

September 1 st 2010 will mark my first year in Chicago. Chicago saved my life. I know that sounds silly but I was able to redefine myself when I moved here (something I wouldn't have been able to do in CO).

My heart is in Colorado (my family) but my soul (who I am) is in Chicago....

Playing on my iPod....

Loves it!

There should be a word for the emotion you get when you get an email from an ex. Not just a "we used to hook up" kind of ex, I mean THEE EX. The one that broke your heart 100 times over, the one you were planning on forever with (house hunting, joint bank accounts, and baby names) and the one who will take years to forget.

The Joke-ster sent me a message via Facebook yesterday and my heart damn near stopped. Not because I still love him but what else was there to say? Even a year later? We went through a lot of shit and everything we've ever needed to say to each other had been said. To the date actually. My hands were shaking as I read the message...here's what it said....

Subject: Please read

I have learned in order to be a "good" man, I have to be a "good" man in every facet of my life. It's impossible to pick and choose what areas I want to be good in and be successful. You will find a measure of success but you will never reach YOUR full potential. Strive towards consistency in your life, in all areas. ... Otherwise the negative is bound to seep where you don't want it. I want to sincerely apologize what I've taken you through. I had/have so much growing to do. Ive been fortunate enough for God to allow that. I see you made it to Chicago and I'm happy for you cuz I know you wanted to be there. What else is going on with you? I miss you alot and think of you. This is not an attempt to rekindle something, I just think of you all the time. I stayed away cuz I didn't know what to do or say. Trying to forget someone that you have truly loved is like trying to remember someone you never met

--

I took a couple of days to decided if I was going to respond. There were lots of reason why I wanted to (to engage in the funny banter and easy going conversations with him one last time) and then there were lots of reasons why I wasn't going to (in the end my future wouldn't really benefit from it). This is what I ended up sending to him....

Subject: (no subject)

I don't know the man you are now and the fact that I found peace long before your messages, the only reply I sincerely offer is, may God bless you for He has certainly blessed me."

--

Anyways, the reason I'm writing this post is to tell you for the first time ever, I walked away from him. I've had guys I've loved but he was different, for the first time I let a man see rare intimate moments of my life that not even my mom has seen. Our personalities were so compatible, I couldn't understand how a man could be so perfect yet so destructive at the same time. I stayed with him hoping he would finally learn to be my perfect man 100% of the time (and cause I was making a point to another man) but by doing so I allowed him to ruin my life with one act of deception after another. With my message, I now feel like him and I finally have closure. Amicable closure. Like that chapter of my life has ended.

Through a particular prayer session I've told you about, I was finally able to understand that I deserve better then the MEN I've been in love with. Those strong personalities that were weak minded. I even received a text from Atom the same day that I didn't reply to.

I need to keep my attention on my future and not revisit my past. It's funny because I thought I was done learning lessons from this year of no men and was about to jump back into it. Now I know there are other lessons out there and I need to finish what I started...no more men is still in affect until December 31st, 2010. Arg.

What WILL be playing on my iPod very soon...

I got a new computer and can't wait till Geek Squad transfers my 7,000 song iTunes to it AND per my mom's suggestion, I took my dead iPod to the Apple store and they said they could give me a refurbished model of it for $50. I totally did it and that'll be shipped and ready to pick up on Thursday.

I've been without music since forever and I can't wait till I get them both back again. I went to a live band lounge last night and the singer sang this song. I forgot how much I love the old school Mary J....

My thoughts exactly....

I did something today that has taken me years to do.....I cut the last tie.

Peep the video around 1:22

I went out last night and there was a handsome man, 31 years old (guesstimate). I feel like I should mention he was light skinned...it shouldn't matter but to me it does. He kept walking up to the bar next to me to order his drinks....2 glasses of wine. A man doesn't drink wine unless he's in the company of a female (at least not the kind of man I would be interested in) so I figured he was off limits....no eye contact, witty banter, flips of my hair.

After the 3rd time of him popping up, he finally "confessed" that he was on a date with a girl he didn't "really" like. He said he understood that it looked super shady but he thought I was really pretty and "couldn't miss" this opportunity to talk to me. He asked for my information and I told him no. He still came up to the bar throughout the night and even started a conversation with my friend while leaning over me. I found out in the car while living the jazz spot, my friend gave to him my number any way when I went to the restroom. (No I will not be answering the phone for unregistered numbers...for real!)

What the fuck is it with unavailable men wanting to talk to me?! I mean this is a clear pattern for me and I'm wondering if I have some kind of kick me sign on my back that says "Evasive Love Here". I mean I know there's men that would probably say that about me. That my love, my heart and my emotions are unattainable and they would probably be right. Which is why I took this year to figure myself out, what I really wanted out of a mate, and the kind of "men" I'm attracted to (or not attracted too) that might make a difference. I'm still working on wanting to be wife but whether they are emotionally unavailable, live in another state or dating someone else, I am a magnet for unavailable men, and I deserve better.

Yes please...

This is seriously a DIY project for me. The company is actually called Body Armour, but I think I could totally remake these. You could easily wear these over a plain white tank with colorful heels or with a simple dress in stead of jewelry.

Check...check...check it out...

Round of appluase....

I've always been a big fan of GQ's pictorials but this one stops the cake. Mechad Brooks, best known for his role as Jermone in The Game or True Blood, is an prime specimen of a black man. Tall. Muscular. Chocolate. AND during one of his short lived t.v. shows, I was able to see his jump shot...fundamentally sound...I gotta say.

Nevertheless he's a large piece of eye candy and I love the fact that he's particiating in these suggestive poses. Ladies. Enjoy. Gentlemen. Take note.

Take a big whiff...

I am OB.SESSED with smelling like clean laundry. Like OCD obsessed. I used to use Tide with Downy in powder form but my mom smelled so Ah.Maze.Ing when she was here that I started to use the same Tide but in liquid form.

People spend hundreds of dollars on high end fragrances and colognes but I'd rather smell the scent of laundry. I wash my sheets every Sunday and some nights I lay wide awake because the clean scent of them distract me from sleep.

I also use Febreze with Downy in my car and around my house. See. OCD.

Salivate...

Can I first just say.....my no man pack can kiss my ass. No seriously. I know why I did it. I totally had reasons to do it. But I feel like I've successfully tackled those issues head on and I'm ready to get back out there.

The only problem is, I take my integrity very seriously and I want to hold myself to my promise. Lol...like any woman though, I'm rationalizing, trying to figure out a loop hole in my pact. Did I make this pact with just myself and/or with God (should it even matter)? Can I date but keep it no sex (which is craziness....unheard of).

Anyway....I crossed paths at work yesterday with a very, very attractive man. Dark chocolate skin, vibrant white smile but the biggest clincher.....he had on a plain v-neck white tee....!

Totes my goats, YUMMY(I wanted to jump his bones right there, I was so wet).

Simple style is important to me when it comes to men. If my future man wore nothing more then a plain v-neck tee shirt, good wash jeans and Air Maxes, I 'd be so satisfied. Men, a word of advice.....when in doubt....a plain white tee (with muscles of course) goes very far....examples below.

Even light skins pull it off....So can the least handsome of men....
and so can white boys

(I prefer v-neck to scoop neck but egh....it works)