There should be a word for the emotion you get when you get an email from an ex. Not just a "we used to hook up" kind of ex, I mean THEE EX. The one that broke your heart 100 times over, the one you were planning on forever with (house hunting, joint bank accounts, and baby names) and the one who will take years to forget.

The Joke-ster sent me a message via Facebook yesterday and my heart damn near stopped. Not because I still love him but what else was there to say? Even a year later? We went through a lot of shit and everything we've ever needed to say to each other had been said. To the date actually. My hands were shaking as I read the message...here's what it said....

Subject: Please read

I have learned in order to be a "good" man, I have to be a "good" man in every facet of my life. It's impossible to pick and choose what areas I want to be good in and be successful. You will find a measure of success but you will never reach YOUR full potential. Strive towards consistency in your life, in all areas. ... Otherwise the negative is bound to seep where you don't want it. I want to sincerely apologize what I've taken you through. I had/have so much growing to do. Ive been fortunate enough for God to allow that. I see you made it to Chicago and I'm happy for you cuz I know you wanted to be there. What else is going on with you? I miss you alot and think of you. This is not an attempt to rekindle something, I just think of you all the time. I stayed away cuz I didn't know what to do or say. Trying to forget someone that you have truly loved is like trying to remember someone you never met

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I took a couple of days to decided if I was going to respond. There were lots of reason why I wanted to (to engage in the funny banter and easy going conversations with him one last time) and then there were lots of reasons why I wasn't going to (in the end my future wouldn't really benefit from it). This is what I ended up sending to him....

Subject: (no subject)

I don't know the man you are now and the fact that I found peace long before your messages, the only reply I sincerely offer is, may God bless you for He has certainly blessed me."

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Anyways, the reason I'm writing this post is to tell you for the first time ever, I walked away from him. I've had guys I've loved but he was different, for the first time I let a man see rare intimate moments of my life that not even my mom has seen. Our personalities were so compatible, I couldn't understand how a man could be so perfect yet so destructive at the same time. I stayed with him hoping he would finally learn to be my perfect man 100% of the time (and cause I was making a point to another man) but by doing so I allowed him to ruin my life with one act of deception after another. With my message, I now feel like him and I finally have closure. Amicable closure. Like that chapter of my life has ended.

Through a particular prayer session I've told you about, I was finally able to understand that I deserve better then the MEN I've been in love with. Those strong personalities that were weak minded. I even received a text from Atom the same day that I didn't reply to.

I need to keep my attention on my future and not revisit my past. It's funny because I thought I was done learning lessons from this year of no men and was about to jump back into it. Now I know there are other lessons out there and I need to finish what I started...no more men is still in affect until December 31st, 2010. Arg.