Okay so while I've been thinking about the future regarding my career, I'm sure it only makes sense that I've been thinking about my personal future as well. Now I've mentioned before that I'm trying to work through my issues of being vulnerable so I can really open myself up. Since you guys don't really know me, I'm gonna start with you, which will hopefully make it easier when I have to do it with the people in my life. I'm a Libra and finding balance in my life in numero uno and when it comes to relationships I'm divided.
I've met the man at the club, I've had the high school AND college sweethearts and I've done the I'm so in love type of relationships. On one side of my scales I want a relationship with my best friend. I don't wish to get married, I don't wish to have a house with a white picket fence and a bunch of "chillins" running around. I just want to be with a man with INTEGRITY who won't bail on his word when things get hard or dried out.
Then on the other side, I'm okay with being single. If option A doesn't work out, I'm cool with being the older sister from the city that comes to visit home often. I mean I still have the passion for living in other cities and traveling. Lol...I know that's so cliche and I'm sure you are snickering to yourself, thinking you've seen this character numerous times in the movies, but I'm serious! I'd rather be alone enjoying my life then settling for a man just because I didn't want to be THAT woman. My only fear in life is living a life unsatisfactory.
Anyway, I'll close with this and then I'm done. My whole life I've been The Shoulder....The Protector (lol...yes even though I'm a loose cannon or a "free spirit"). People rely on me to lean on. To give them advice. To hold them up while they're weak. To call on. And a lot of my anger outbursts or frustrations stem from trying to rely back on those people but finding them unavailable. The fact that I have no one strong enough to lay myself on when I'm weak wears on me a lot. For 25 years, I've been the concrete pillar that stands alone and it's pretty exhausting. During one of my recent talks with God I broke down crying and told Him....I'm tired. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of standing alone....when am I finally going to be able to lean peacefully on someone?
I've met the man at the club, I've had the high school AND college sweethearts and I've done the I'm so in love type of relationships. On one side of my scales I want a relationship with my best friend. I don't wish to get married, I don't wish to have a house with a white picket fence and a bunch of "chillins" running around. I just want to be with a man with INTEGRITY who won't bail on his word when things get hard or dried out.
Then on the other side, I'm okay with being single. If option A doesn't work out, I'm cool with being the older sister from the city that comes to visit home often. I mean I still have the passion for living in other cities and traveling. Lol...I know that's so cliche and I'm sure you are snickering to yourself, thinking you've seen this character numerous times in the movies, but I'm serious! I'd rather be alone enjoying my life then settling for a man just because I didn't want to be THAT woman. My only fear in life is living a life unsatisfactory.
Anyway, I'll close with this and then I'm done. My whole life I've been The Shoulder....The Protector (lol...yes even though I'm a loose cannon or a "free spirit"). People rely on me to lean on. To give them advice. To hold them up while they're weak. To call on. And a lot of my anger outbursts or frustrations stem from trying to rely back on those people but finding them unavailable. The fact that I have no one strong enough to lay myself on when I'm weak wears on me a lot. For 25 years, I've been the concrete pillar that stands alone and it's pretty exhausting. During one of my recent talks with God I broke down crying and told Him....I'm tired. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of standing alone....when am I finally going to be able to lean peacefully on someone?
lol..it's crazy but Tracy Morgan said it best when he said "I want a strong woman weak enough to need me.".....I'm totally that woman who is thinking that and vice versa "I want a strong man weak enough to need me."
Wanna know what God said back to me? As plain as day He said to my heart..."You're attracted to men with strong personalities, but you've misinterpreted that strength for being strong willed and strong minded. I have someone in mind. And no you haven't met him yet. Until I reveal him to you....lean on me. Trust in me. Cry on my shoulder. I'm strong enough for you and I will not leave you."
To me, the girl with Daddy issues, and vulnerability issues, that was my Ah Ha moment. Now, when I'm feeling down...instead of calling my mom, instead of calling one of my light skins or best friends, I call a person a little higher up. What my heart wants (which I might get into later) and what my heart needs may become two different things. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
In due time....
Wanna know what God said back to me? As plain as day He said to my heart..."You're attracted to men with strong personalities, but you've misinterpreted that strength for being strong willed and strong minded. I have someone in mind. And no you haven't met him yet. Until I reveal him to you....lean on me. Trust in me. Cry on my shoulder. I'm strong enough for you and I will not leave you."
To me, the girl with Daddy issues, and vulnerability issues, that was my Ah Ha moment. Now, when I'm feeling down...instead of calling my mom, instead of calling one of my light skins or best friends, I call a person a little higher up. What my heart wants (which I might get into later) and what my heart needs may become two different things. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
In due time....
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