My relationship with God has been very strong since moving to Chicago. I've never doubted when He speaks to my soul (which I did a lot of when The Joke-ster and I were together) and confirms and guides the decisions I've made. Ever since I got back from Vegas though (I went for my birthday) I've been in a weird mood. A lost mood maybe. I haven't been able to hear God's voice. I know He loves me and He would never leave me but it's like a flying trapeze artist with an invisible net. You know it's there but it's more reassuring when you can actually see it.
My focus hasn't been on the path He's put forth for me lately. The weak moments when I rely on my strength have been filled with weak actions. Like Sunday. I was feeling weird about Addy and decided to text Atom. Why?! I don't know. I fell into an old pattern and we had such an awkward conversation . Atom was all about business (I thought he would be more inquisitive about the reason why I contacted him, but he wasn't) and I regretted sending the text as soon as it went through. I'm stronger then that.
I haven't been working on BP (my youth program) at all because there's been some pretty hard decisions that need to be made that I've been procrastinating on.
My job is okay but my finances are suffering. I've been spending most of my money on useless things instead of paying bills and contributing the BP funds.
Finally my friend Elle (she's in law school and law school reminds me of Legally Blonde so...) took a look at the BP website and chewed my ass out for it being lazy and not as professional as it should be. She said it looked half assed. It was hard to hear but I prefer people to call me out on things cause it strengthens my integrity.
Anyway, my thoughts have been consumed by boys (Dreads is on my to do list again), working out, my DVR and sleeping. All superficial things that will not progress my future. I've prayed for God but still can't really feel Him. Erg....where is He? I guess I have to call myself out on my own and focus on the things that makes God happy. I love Him and want Him present in my life. Always. He's my life support and my invisible net.
p.s. I took a read through my whole blog and just fell even more in love with it. I've always wanted to have a diary, a way to document the places I've been emotionally and this blog does just that. I love it and like my dog, I don't know what I'd do without it. I don't do it for people to know me, I do it so I can know me.
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