Eye...iy....iy....

ALRIGHT........

First let me start off by saying I just got back from my first burlesque show (I had 2 Long Island Iced Teas in 10 mins (blame it on my job) so.....I'm a little tipsy...but if I don't do this now I never will). I've been hinting for a couple of months and now that I'm inebriated a tad...let's call this drunk blogging...the metal walls around my vulnerability are WAY down and I can say what's been on my mind to say for some time.

(inhale....exhale)

I have feelings for someone.

Shocker? Not sure.

Its unclear of what these feelings are but they are feelings and I've had them for quite sometime. Is it love? not sure. Is it lust? Maybe...but does lust last years? not sure.

(inhale....exhale)

I finally came clean to my best friend a couple of days ago and basically told her that over the past few years I've made a lot of bad decisions based on the fact that I've been trying to act like I dont care about him when I do. Ugh. He's such a nerd by the way. He wears khakis for heaven's sake and he doesn't even have TATTOOS! And I've tried. Lord have I tried to pretned like I don't care. I stayed with The Joke-ster for longer the necessary just to prove I was over this guy.

You know how I always say "don't think of yourself as the exception"? Yeah well that's not really a lesson to you...it's a friendly reminder for me. And like I said. With my scales I'm able to believe one thing while thinking something totally different because the two realities never meet. If that makes sense. I have made it be one thing for so long and have pushed the other feelings so far aside that I feel them only twice a year. Every 6 months maybe. I don't do any thing rash of course. I usually rationa;ize the feelings and once I come to my senses again I bury them deep inside.

Plus...if I did ever have the nerve to say...I have feelings for you. How do I also say in the same breath....you are with the better woman?@ I can't cook. Although I'm learning. I'm working hard to add a maid service to my expenses because I hate cleaning. Although I love doing laundry, (it's putting the clothes a way I can't stand). I mean if she cooks and cleans...I can't compete with that! I got tattoos, a sharp tongue and a free spirit. I mean seriously?! We're better off friends....I guess. I've just wanted to get this off my chest before you marry her. Which you probably will even if you don't really want to. Or worse...get her preganant.

I seriously just want to be with my best friend (which I actually consider you to be but have never really admitted it) I feel like while you may be hesitant of me, you still really know me....cause I'm comfortable around you. I'm myself...which is actually pretty shy and timid. WHICH by the way is why I started to distance myself away from you anway. When you made it public that you lie in order for girls to be comfortable around you....lol...douchebag. and what I'm feeling may be an over all lie.

Plus, anytime we've been with each other it's been cheating! And you can't possib;y build a foundation for a relationship off that. Cheating.

Over the years I've asked the Lord to remove this man from my life. Just clear him the hell out. And he's indecisive to boot. (Wait? Did I just type "to boot"?...lol..I'm funny. Even when I'm tipsy.) I think we both feel like each other is the othre's temptation. Our drug. A forbidden fruit. Which may be our attraction all together. We've had the opportunity to try things out when we lived in the same city beofre and never came around to it. And I don't even know how he feels. Like I've said before. I'm a guys girl! I know that if a man really wants you...he'll pursue you! I've had men do it to me on numerous occasions.

Plus I KNOW him. And he knows me. He's a physical person....him and I are physical people. You can't really build a relationship off that right? Off the passion. PLus he's family thinks I'm a hoe! How can I be someone speacial if the mom thinks I'm a hoe. When really I'm not! I swear! It' just my reaction toward her son.

Hell the last time we aw each other he could have said all the things he did just to get me in the sack. Which worked cause he's that guy. That guy that just looks at you and you melt and loose all sense of reason. I keep thinking back when he wanted to hold my hand and because my scales where in such disarray, I pulled my hand away and told him he didnt have to do that...when really I wanted him to want to hold it! Something I've wanted to have happen for years. I just got scared. I get scared of moments like that. I anxiously wait the moment when he's not holding my hand any more, so I'd rather do it on my terms.

See! I may have too many issues. He may have too many issues. It won't work. Him and I...it just win't work.

Whatever. At least I finally got it out. I can't pin point what they are but I do have feelings for him and it's safe to say I think about him way more then I should. I pick up my phone to to text, to call and put it down a million times before I actually do. He's funny. He makes me laugh and I feel good when he's around. We can have sex then talk for hours. Then have sex again and then fall asleep.

Whatever though! I know I can't bury this post but I can still pretend like I never typed it. At least I'm staying true to myself and work ing on the vulnerability walls like I wanted.

Last thought then I'm done. Life is too short to pretend you don;t care! When you are on your dying bed, you won't remember the things you did, you'll remember the things you didn't do. You won't regret the things you did..you'll regret the things you didn't do....

(inhale....exhale)

I think I still may love you j.

-s