On the real tip...

The reason I decided to write a blog was so I could express myself 100%. I've talked about sex, men, and my laziness but this post is one where I speak from my heart and talk about my fears. My fear of life, success and failure (which I normally wouldn't confess to people).

I scared I'm going to typical. Ordinary. Conventional. That I'm gonna continue to bounce around from job to job (like I've been doing the last 4 years) because I get so bored in these 9-5 jobs that a new one seems to be a fix until it isn't anymore (if that makes any sense).

I'm an entrepreneur at heart but the businesses I've created in the past have fallen by the waste side because I didn't pursue them like I should. There are so many examples of people that have put their blood, sweat and tears into their businesses to make them successful and I'm wondering if I have what it takes to do the same.

Event production is what I love. Boutique openings, art festivals, and fashion shows are just some of the events I'm excited to do (I'm not going anywhere near club promotions or anything like that, I want to produce more intellectual events). Right now I'm in the middle of producing a photo shoot celebrating feminine women with tattoos and an Art in the Park festival but I'm having a hard time staying motivated. On the surface I'd call it laziness but these past few days I've really tried to be honest with myself and I think it's because I'm scared of success.

I try to pretend like other people's opinions don't affect me but since there are people expecting me to fail, I end up settling for the staus quo instead of working hard to prove them wrong (a quality I'm pretty ashamed of)

When I moved to Chicago, Sep 2009, I didn't have a job, an apartment or any type of family support that lived in the city...I knew no one. If I hadn't of left my hometown when I did, despite the people that told me not too, I never would have found the courage to do it later in life. Once I got to town, I lived in my car with my dog for 2 months until I saved enough money (from a waitress gig) to move in to my own flat. Then after hitting the pavement hard, I finally landed an interview with a company I'd worked for previously. It didn't go well but for some reason I didn't take it laying down (which is totally out of character for me, I usually back down after the first no) and I got old colleagues from the company to write me letters of recommendations. After locking down 5 influential letters I was hired in January 2010 and moved into my downtown loft in February 2010.

My mom says I DO have the drive and the last couple of months are prime examples of it, but to me, I had no other options. I either failed here and moved back home with my head hung low, or I succeed. It was do or die.

I've been told that the most successful people are readers, so I'm currently reading all these biographies of self made people to help me stay motivated. It's a challenge though and I'm still very such scared of my success and of my failures. However, I will continue to pray so God can give me the strength, courage and persistence I need to get to where I want to be. After all He is in the driver seat and I don't want to be anywhere He's not present.

Much love....