Who I am....

As you can see, this is a picture of a person who LOVES food. Putting food directly in her mouth has now become so mundane, that she needs to play games in order to get that cholesterol, crack-ish high she used to get when she was thinner (if ever there was a time).

I don't judge this person because sadly, I have this person living inside me...

I became a vegetarian to limit my fast food intake....orange chicken from Panda Express, the chicken taco salad (extra sauce) from Qudoba, the Big Mac (ultimate fat kid burger) from Micky D's and the greatest thing known to man....the Baja Chicken Gordita from Taco Bell. Surprisingly it was easiest thing I've ever done.

It's been a year now and guess what I decided to do to celebrate? I let the inner fat girl out and enjoyed (get ready cause this is not a winning moment for me) 2 medium, sausage thin crust (cause that's healthier) Chicago pizzas and ate them both in a 2 hour sitting. That's right! I can eat any grown man under the table, which is why my dream job is a professional eater at state fairs (double fist pump).

OH and while we're on the topic of fat people...wanna know something I did that proves what a piece of shit human I really am...?

I had training last week for work and the instructor looked exactly like picture above....like she stopped caring about her waistline Twinkies and Twinkies ago. Anyway, she treated the class to lunch so we ended up at this all-American fast food diner. While in line she was telling the group about the great chocolate cake and asked if we would each eat a piece if she bought them. We all said yes and she ended up ordering 6 pieces (I'm starting to laugh cause what I did was hella funny).

The entire order came up but her and I were the last to pick up our trays. I ordered a veggie sandwich and she ordered a cheeseburger, fries and large Dr. Pepper (champion drink of the morbidly obese) and as we were leaving the counter I heared the manager say "Oh wait! You forgot your pieces of chocolate cake!" Since I was closer it would have made since for me to grab them, instead I looked at her frantically and said "I really have to go to the bathroom..." (LIE!). She turned back to get the pieces (which were stacked in their own separate containers and measured 12 inches in height) and added them to her tray of already unhealthy food and started to carry that big ass tray through the packed restaurant....

I WASN'T CARRYING ALL THAT DAMN CAKE! WHAT THE HELL WOULD I LOOK LIKE!

It was 1 o'clock in the afternoon, lunch rush hour, and the restaurant had doubled in occupancy since we got there. I knew she didn't have the self-esteem to shake off the looks of disappointment and shame that people were giving her but they expected a tray like that to be carried by a person who looked liked she ate 5 pieces already! If I would have done it, they would have seen her sitting at the table waiting and assumed she had called the first 3 slices. I just took the guessing game out of the situation.

Yes....it was fucked up on my part, but the reason I don't eat all of what I can is because I understand my actions have consequences and that day I exercised (no pun intended) my legal skinny person rights!

Sometimes I crack myself up with things I'm capable of doing...I'm filing this one under Hell.A.Funny.